Interoffice Memos of a Coffee Shop in a Villain’s Lair

[bairnsidhe]

 This work of demifiction was inspired by a backchannel prompt from my Life Partner.  It does not specifically connect to any current setting, but will probably spawn it's own series eventually.
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Attention Staff:

You’ll no doubt be excited to learn that the new location we mentioned at the all-hands meeting last week is in… DOOM TOWER!  Yes, that’s right, we got the exclusive coffee shop position in the city’s very own Heart of Evil.  The League of Villainy will be an exciting new market for our gourmet offerings.  That being said, of course the new location will be staffed entirely by volunteers, and you’ll have to sign a safety waiver.  However, the pay is suitably increased to cover the greater than usual potential risk of kidnapping, science experimentation, demonic encounters, or other workplace hazards.

Please respond to Mindy in HR if you want to apply for the new location.

Attention Staff:

It has come to our attention that some of the baristas at the DOOM TOWER location have been using their proximity to the city’s more prestigious super-villains to ‘audition’.  While we understand that full-time minion benefits are competitive, we must remind you that this is not an At Will employment state, and you will be required to provide two weeks notice if you switch careers.

Attention Staff:

The shop will be closed for repairs today, due to collateral damage in the arrest of Dr. Faustus.  If you wish to sign a get well card for his Head Lieutenant, who is currently out with a broken everything, please speak to Mindy in HR.

Attention Staff:

It is unprofessional behavior to gloat about customers naming you “favorite minion” or proposing to make you a consort on taking over the world.  As an additional note, please re-read the Employee Handbook section on interoffice relationships.

Attention Staff:

The new seasonal flavor line (Radioactive Raspberry, Forbidden Passion Fruit, and Meyer Lemon) will be arriving on the 13th.  Prepare for a rush accordingly.  Product training will be conducted in an undisclosed third-party location the weekend before.

Attention Staff:

The Marvelous Mad Dog has been placed on the Do Not Serve list.  Please report any attempt he makes to order at our facility to DOOM TOWER security.  Yes, we know he’s adorable and you want to tell him he’s a good boy, but he always orders a large mocha and he’s had to be sent to Medical five times in the past two weeks.  Not only is this deeply upsetting to everyone on duty, but we can’t afford a lawsuit or animal endangerment charges.

Attention Staff:

Specialty syrups are to be used in accordance with company manuals in approved recipes only.  Any further attempts to re-enact the Chemical Madness of Lord Pontifex using company material will be met with disciplinary action.  Even if the tips were as high as reported, it will NOT be worth it.

Comments

[technoshaman]

Mad Dog must react to caffeine like a human... On springs. :)

[bairnsidhe]

I mean, I had been thinking that dogs are deathly allergic to chocolate and coffee, and someone with Dog Traits would probably react poorly to a mix of chocolate and espresso, but this rationale makes me happier, so sure!

[technoshaman]

Oh, for some reason I read that as having banged himself up...yeah, I like that better than having to get his stomach pumped.

[fuzzyred]

That sounds like a very interesting coffee shop, and indeed and interesting setting as well. I would be intrigued to see if there are any connected stories that get written later.

[chanter1944]

Ooooooh dear. XD

I was thinking the chocolate in the mocha was the issue for Mr. Marvelous Dog. Poor fuzz. I've dealt with that issue RL. Not fun, but fortunately my own marvelous goofball was fine.

*laugh*

[ysabetwordsmith]

This is brilliant, and so believable.